Pix by Mark Bodna
After a fitty cent train ride up to Southbank, a short walk across the Goodwill Bridge gets me into the Riverstage just in time for a quick chat with my hot date for the night Tom Wilson of Sense Media before The Mavis’s take the stage. Now, I remember the name but have no idea who this band really is or if I even know any of their songs.
As they take the stage after setting their own gear up and line checking, I still have no idea who they are even when the lead singer decked out in a hot pink dress takes the stage. There’s nothing weird here, she’s a chick, and her name might even be Mavis, but probably not. Something something about an out of tune 12 string guitar, and then a few more songs that I don’t know. Yeah, I really don’t remember this band at all. Maybe their last track will be their big hit. Ok, I might have known those last two, but I have no idea what they were called.
This line-up is something out of that Recovery show that was on every Saturday morning on the ABC back in the late 90s. Seriously, and it’s gonna be tough to choose which artist on the line-up I give less of a fuck about, cause let’s be honest, I’m only here to see TISM. In saying that, Ben Lee would be a very strong contender. And here I am halfway through his first song thinking that I’ve possibly not ever given less of a fuck about anything this much already, but the crowd clapped at the end of the song though, so I guess that’s a thing.
He plays a song called Asshole, which is about how he used to be an Asshole. I’m still an asshole, so I’ll just add here that Denis Leary’s song of the same name is much better than this one. In the middle of the set he stops to tell us that he couldn’t get on festivals because his songs have too many lyrics and aren’t good to take drugs to. I disagree, this is the sort of dreary shit that forces people to want to escape reality. On that note, who’s carrying?
Eskimo Joe walked onstage to some kind of epic Star Wars intro or something that was way more exciting than the song that followed it. I remember a point in time when you couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing one of this band’s songs. Those were fucking dark times, but it was by no means any kind of emergency.
It’s sad to admit that I’ve known every song so far, but here we are. I guess this is what it feels like to be middle-aged at a show full of middle-aged bands. Miley Cyrus gets a name drop about some song that was apparently at the end of a movie when she sucked face with one of the Hemsworth brothers, the one she married or something like that. The story was better than the song. As is the next story about the singer’s crack black fingernails, and something about red wine.
The worst part about this is that I know the words to that last song, as does everyone else in the crowd. And just so you all know, I could wear that sweater, even if it came to me from the sea, and I was so stressed out today. Hello hello, goodbye!
I wish TISM would hurry up and hit the stage, but here I am about to sit through a Machine Gun Fellatio set. This could either be really good, or a complete fucking disaster, so I won’t get my hopes up. The show starts with a warning about sexual references, drug references, strong coarse language, sex scenes and nudity. I’ll be very disappointed if we don’t get all of that.
Before any of that though, we get some weird operatic acapella thing which must be a bit of a song that everyone knows. Oh, that chick wasn’t even part of the band, she was just a fluffer. I don’t know what the fuck those first 3 songs were about, but this next one is that rollercoaster song.
Apart from the intro, I haven’t watched any of this show, but maybe I should because just listening to it is doing absolutely nothing for me. Maybe there is something more in the visual aspect of things? Nope, no nudity as promised, just some bloke in a white blazer playing piano. I had no idea what to expect from this band, and I have less of an idea of what I just got. Seriously, what was that all about?
One day, everyone might learn that trying to take a piss during intermission is a bad idea, but here we are as the toilets become a cattle crawl. At least by the time TISM starts a small portion of the crowd will have an empty tank. And on another note, how do people get so drunk at concerts while paying $15 each for half-strength drinks? I can’t drink ‘em fast enough to even get tipsy, but I guess it explains why everyone’s busting for a piss.
The show finally started with the band entering stage in red, winged and mohawked jumpsuits. The lead vocalist, whoever he is, then starts to take the piss out of Kyle Sandilands and some other blokes I’ve never heard of before. Shortly after, they kick into a song I don’t know, and then do a couple of other songs that I don’t know. Now that I think of it, I probably only know a couple of their songs. One about a stop sign and another about River Pheonix.
Oh, but I also know this next one about you being a yob, or a wanker. I’m not sure what’s happening at the back of the stage, but there’s some massive scaffolding and what looks like about 15 artists doing some live paintings or something of the like. I might also know this “I want Milli Vanilli” one too. I’m glad they have the sound sorted out now because to begin with there was way too much vocal and not enough of the electro stuff. The track ends with us all being told to “come up with something better, fuckface”.
Let’s stop here for a moment of complete clarity and honesty. Most of TISM’s songs are pretty shit, but that’s kind of their thing, and they do it so well. And unlike other bands, they managed to write some absolute bangers while taking the piss out of themselves, and River Pheonix.
And on that note, this Old Man is on the bridge over the river to South Bank station for some late-night people watching on the ride back to the Gold Coast. They play a couple of encores as I’m walking away but due to being behind the stage now, I can’t really make out what the songs are. I won’t piss in the wind and tell you it’s raining though because I probably wouldn’t know them anyway.
That wasn’t just a fun piece of nostalgia, This Is Serious Mum … kind of, not really, yeah nah.
