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Steel Panther: New Album, New Tour, Same Old Debauchery

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By Kris Peters

“F*ck no! It does not mean we’re going soft,” exclaimed Satchel, guitarist from Steel Panther, when asked about the bands acoustic album and accompanying DVD, Live From Lexxi’s Mom’s Garage.

“We’ve got a brand new album that we’re working on right now with all new songs but we wanted to give our fans something bitchin’ in the meantime, because our new record’s not gonna be out until probably the end of the year. Plus, we figured we’ve never done a live acoustic record before and it’s something that die hard Steel Panther fans will be totally into, because you get acoustic versions of songs that are already bitchin’ and we sound awesome so… it’s cool to watch us all sing harmonies and it sounds really cool. Plus, back in the 1990’s MTV did this thing called Unplugged and Eric Clapton sold 43 million records so I figure that would translate for Live From Lexxi’s Moms Garage in 2016 to us selling at least four or five hundred records.”

With each of the four band members presumably having a mother, the question remains as to why they chose Lexxi’s mum over everyone else’s and Satchel explains it was a pretty easy decision to make.

“Everybody in the band has already had some sort of a relationship with Lexxi’s mom because she’s been there for us. Plus, she’s really hot and she lives close by and it was really cheap because she already lives there, and when we were looking for a venue to record she was okay with it and she’s got a really big garage. Lexxi’s mom is super awesome. A lot of times she lets me come over late at night if I’m looking for a place to stay and I can come and sleep in her bed which is pretty rad. And she’s hot too and gives good blow jobs. She looks really good for her age. She’s 67 or something like that but she looks like she’s 62. She’s hot.”

To give the recording that authentic live feel and sound, Steel Panther did what every self respecting band would do and made sure they had a participating audience, but in true Panther style it wasn’t your normal rent-a-crowd.

“We had 100 females there – some of the hottest chicks in L.A are in that video,” he enthused.

“Some of them are actresses and some are paid hookers. We actually had to pay them but the actresses usually work for free because if you tell them they’re gonna be on video they’ll do it, and some of the actresses paid us to be on it so we would take the money we got off them and we would pay the hookers and it worked out that we broke even. All of the girls were pretty hot. There were a couple of fat ones but Michael likes them like that so….”

Although loved the world over for their quirky sense of humor and entertaining music, Steel Panther have also had their fair share of criticism from some sections of the media who have labeled them a novelty or parody band, to which Satchel replies with equal distain.

“I hate it when anybody tries to put a band in a category because categories are just fucken for people who work at record stores and f*ckin’ write for Rolling Stone magazine. All that shit is bullshit. Like, what kind of heavy metal are you? What kind of music do you play? What kind of radio stations are you gonna get put on? Well, first of all, we don’t get played on ANY f*ckin’ radio station and second of all I think it’s really funny when people try to put us in a parody band box because our lyrics may or may not be amusing. I mean, listen to, Ten Seconds to Love by Motley Crue! I mean, those lyrics are f*ckin’ ridiculous but it’s a Motley Crue record and they’re a serious band.

“I listen to that shit and go, that’s funny shit, those guys are f*ckin’ comedians. Mick Mars, he’s a funny guy. You know what I mean? I’m supposed to think that’s not funny? F*ck, I mean, we might have some funny shit too but what it all comes down to at the end of the day is it doesn’t matter what you categorize something as; whether you say it’s heavy metal or comedy or f*ckin’ jazz improv comedy. I don’t f*ckin’ know what people wanna call it. All I know is I like to write bitchin’ songs.

“All of our shit has hooks. It’s fun to sing our songs. Unlike a lot of other bands, I don’t feel like there’s a limit to where I can go lyrically because I don’t care and I can write about anything that I want. Most bands have to write songs and go ‘ooh, I can’t say that because that won’t be able to get on radio’. Well twenty years ago I said f*ck the radio and it was one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had as a songwriter. It was like, I don’t give a f*ck about the radio any more. I can write about any f*ckin’ subject I want and sure, some of it’s funny and that’s great but I don’t give a f*ck if people call us a parody band. All you’ve gotta do is listen to our songs. The people that hate us the most usually haven’t even f*ckin’ listened to our records.”

But what about other metal bands? Do they take Steel Panther and their music seriously?

“Only the ones that are cool,” Satchel replied.

“There are some metal bands that hate us and the ones that do I don’t f*ckin’ care about. We have a great time and we love to play and there are bands that we are friends with and there are bands that we aren’t friends with and it’s like anything else in life. The people that are cool and have a sense of humour those are the ones you wanna be friends with, right? And the ones that don’t, fuck ‘em. You’re not gonna hang out with them anyway, right? It’s like at your job. There’s gonna be people that are fun and cool and they’ve got a sense of humour, those are the people you’re gonna wanna party with on Saturday night and f*ckin’ hang out with and the ones that are dicks… you’re not gonna invite them to your party anyway so f*ck ‘em.”

Out of all of the bands that Satchel could have referenced when talking about lyrics, it seems funny that he chose a fellow glam metal band, but he explains that the simmering animosity between the bands goes a little deeper than that.

“We did a tour with Motley Crue and to be honest with you I went into it with… I’m a fan. I like Motley Crue and listen to Shout at the Devil all the time,” he explained, “but on tour Tommy Lee was threatened by us because I accidently f*cked his girlfriend on the first night of the tour.”

When I put it to him it seems difficult to “accidently” sleep with someone’s girlfriend the truth becomes clearer. “Well, I f*cked her on purpose,” he laughed, “but I didn’t know it was Tommy’s girlfriend when I did and Tommy was PISSED because she told him that I had a bigger dick than him which was pretty cool. He was really angry about it and held on to it but it’s like, you’ve gotta let it go man. You’re not always gonna have the biggest dick in the room.”

For their upcoming tour in June, Satchel says not to expect a repeat of the recent acoustic offering, but at the same time, not to really expect anything which is the way they like it.

“It’s going to be an electric concert bro,” he assured.

“We’ll probably do a couple of acoustic things in there for sure but we are a heavy metal band and we just perform better loud. That’s part of the fun of a Steel Panther show is you don’t ever know what’s gonna happen until you get there. It’s been a while since we played in Australia and I LOVE playing there. The people are so great and the girls all love to have sex. The last time we had sex with a lot of girls and this time we plan on having sex with girls on stage so that’s probably gonna happen a lot so get your video cameras ready because there’s gonna be bitches and musical pornography happening.”

Live From Lexxi’s Mom’s Garage is out now.

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