Pix by Sarah Gilpin
Words by Jimmy Glinster
There’s nothing like a quick bit of Maccas before ya line up at the box office for a Hair Metal show with mayo in ya beard. Nothing suss, but there probably will be as the night goes by, and Steel Panther get up to their usual shenanigans. I’d say it’s all about lycra, mini skirts and big hair tonight, but a random bunch of pirates walking around the crowd throws that idea out the window. And just like you, I have absolutely no idea what that is all about.
All of a sudden a drum fill hits from the stage and the lights black out. When the lights throw back on, the drummer is joined by John 5, who is 5 minutes early for his set. He rips into a 5-minute solo and I’m fearing this may be a two-piece instrumental set. I say two-piece because I can’t see a bass player, even though I can hear a baseline coming from somewhere.
A click track from the monitors confirms that there is no bass player and that the rest of the band is a backing track. And nek minnut there are vocals coming from somewhere too. Lucky the bloke can shred, otherwise I probably would have walked out of this karaoke show.
Mr 5 takes on jazz, old-school rock n roll, funk and every other style in one big continuous shred. Oh, apart from a Crazy Little Thing Called Love cover with vocals by the crowd. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but this isn’t it. This is a Smells Like Teen Spirit cover though, but it smells much more like sweaty ass in here right now.
I’ve gotta admit, the dudes pretty good, but I generally tap out after about a minute of guitar solo. This has been a half hour so far, and it’s getting a bit long in the tooth. And now we get a 5 min drum solo, a cover of Walk, a couple of bars of Thunder Kiss 65 and a few Crue songs that John asks the crowd to sing along to. Maybe he should have chosen one of their two good songs so that some of us knew the words. Everyone knew the chorus to Home Sweet Home, but hysterically everyone stopped singing after the first line in the verse.
I suppose that wasn’t a bad way to kick-start all our hearts for what’s to come next.
Are you ready? Yeah, I am ready after that epic changeover. So many lights and sparkler cannons. We’ll be lucky if no one loses an eye … of the Panther. The crowd lets me come in closer to the stage as some synchronised pelvic thrusts take place.
Satchel takes a minute to rate Brisbane in the top 12 of this area of Australia, and thanks us for spreading our community as wide as the Gold Coast. This follows by a request to see some tits. Yeah, this is a Steel Panther show, this is what happens. If you’re easily offended you shouldn’t be here, and if you’re offended by reading this already, you should probably stop reading now. Even I know my boundaries, so I’m not gonna repeat what happened over the next 5 min, but I will mention that some bags of “candy” were thrown out into the crowd.
After a 20 min introduction to the band members, the band finally kicks into Asian Hooker. I didn’t know the next song but the one after that was about Michael Starr’s beneficial friendship with Satchel’s mum. And then to release some anger, Satch belts out a shredding solo. I mean, it’s no John 5 noodling, but it’s pretty good, and just as self-indulgent.
Fuck the Goo Goo Dolls, and fuck Dr Dre, he can suck a dick, or someone’s else’s dick. I don’t know, I didn’t say it, but I think the point was Death To All But Metal … or something like that. Also, something about Sheryl Crow’s camel toe and Madonna’s butt.
And on that note, a couple of dildos get thrown onto stage and one gets stuck onto Satchel’s guitar. This is followed by more filth, which I again won’t repeat. They did tone down a little after that and played 1987. Well, after a few more “I fucked ya mum” jokes, that is.
It wouldn’t be a rock show if a punter wasn’t ejected from the pit by security and launched head-first onto the floor. But here we are, and there he goes. Poor bastard, he was probably just trying to have a good time. Or maybe he was being a complete dick, who knows.
A random blonde called Abby gets called up onstage, and after discussing her 20-year relationship, and her 4 kids, Michael sings her a song about her giving him a blow job in the parking lot later on. Then Satch sings one about fucking Roos out the back. Now it’s Stixx‘ turn and of course he asks to see her titties. And then it’s Spyder‘s turn to give her a backstage pass, just like the Girl From Oklahoma.
The band then invites any girl onstage who wants to join them, and about 30 or so make their way onto stage. That’s about 13 more than 17 Girls In A Row, and at least 26 breasts. I would have got a reel for you all, but I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have passed Facebook’s Community Standards. Michael then lets all the girls know that his heart belongs to them, but his cock is Community Property.
Apparently, these guys fuck all night and party all day. I’m not sure about that, but they do talk almost as much as they play, if not more. Speaking of more, they’ve just left stage, so it’s probably time for an encore. The bass line from that White Stripes song starts, and I’m hoping this isn’t it. Even a seven-nation army would expect more than that kind of jazz from a Glory Hole.
Well, that was fun … the show I mean, not the glory hole, you filthy-minded animals.