Words by Jimmy Glinster
Pix by JD Punisher Photography
Thomas Ian Nicholas glided onto the stage to remind us that American Pie came out 25 years ago, and we are all fucking old. Thanks, Thomas, thanks! Way to read a crowd. But before any of us old farts had time to lift ourselves up to protest, it is time for Jim’s sock puppet show on Mo’s big screen.
I’m not sure if I should be reviewing this movie that you’ve all seen, so I won’t. I might quote some random memorable lines like “Suck me beautiful”, “Stiffler’s moms a milf”, “I used to call it stroking the salami” and “Aged 18 years, just the way I like it”. That last one was from the real star of American Pie, Stiffler‘s Mom. Oh, and I almost missed this last one, “this one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my …”. Not me ya sickos, that red-headed chick out of the band that uses Jim on prom night.
The movie finishes up and our very own Krispy takes stage to introduce Kevin, or Kevin the C$#t as Krispy calls him in true Krispy style. Kevin of course refers to Thomas Nicholas, our American Pie star of the night. They chat for a little while about the restricted version which was originally released and a few of the cuts which were made to get a mainstream release. Like Jim fucking the Pie standing up instead of him laying on top of the bench fucking it. Lucky for us, we just got to watch the uncensored version.
The crowd then gets a chance to ask some questions and the majority of them are around the Sex Bible, which Thomas happened to have a replica of onstage. Of course, most of these questions revolve around the infamous Tongue Tornado. Krispy then asks for an onstage demonstration, so Thomas asks for a volunteer. Some bloke at the back of the room puts his hand up and all of a sudden, the conversation shifted to eating ass…
A little further on and a Tongue Tornado question comes up again. In one of Krispy’s finest moments, he pokes a hole in one of the set lists and again asks for a demonstration. Laughs ensue, but a demonstration doesn’t. To end the questions, venue owner Christian pipes up and asks, “Would you go down on Tara Reid again?”. Thomas laughs and explains that she now has a boyfriend, so no because he wouldn’t like that. He finishes with “but if she was single”, and we all know the answer to that.
Now it’s time for the band, the Thomas Nicholas Band, featuring our very own Squirty on bass. Thomas asks who the hottest chick in the movie was, and of course the band then kicks into Stifflers Mom. Something something about Mark from Blink 182 beating cancer, then a big “Fuck Cancer” from the crowd leads us into All The Small Things.
The next track is an original which apparently featured on American Pie 4. I’m not sure I’ve even seen that, but this song is called My Generation, and no it’s not a Limp Bizkit cover, unfortunately. Not a fucking bad song, though, and allegedly it nearly has a million plays on Spotify. That’s equal to about $3.45 in royalties, which isn’t too shabby in American dollars.
Apparently, Tomorrow is Gonna Hurt because of all the alcohol we’ve drank. Well, maybe not for me because I’ve only had two American Pie cocktails tonight. That’s just a standard Fireball and Apple Cider in case you were wondering, but for tonight one of my standards is a cocktail.
Squirty’s girlfriend Roxanne comments that she doesn’t think she’s ever seen Squirty jump before, but he certainly did as the band kicks into Lit’s My Worst Enemy. Next up is a cover of a cover, and that cover is Alien Ant Farm‘s, I mean Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal. The reason for Squirty’s nickname comes up, and we learn that after 30 years of complete secrecy the reason has now been etched in the Sex Bible. And on that note, Krispy is off to uncover the truth.
Apparently, this next song is very personal and about all of Thomas’s dark thoughts. And apparently, we should find someone who we can tell all our darkest shit to. Anyone wanna volunteer for my dark shit? The songs called Never Enough, and it’s a bit of a rock ballad.
The next one called Back for More is a collab with Less Than Jake. The album version, that is. This version is just Thomas, Squirty and some drummer called Scott. It’s a pop punk song, which makes sense considering the collaborators.
Next up is Sum 41’s In Too Deep. Before they kick into it, though, Thomas takes the piss out of them for pulling the pin 1 year before they reach 30 years. He then expresses that he hopes they do 41 reunion tours like Kiss.
Wrong Side is up next and it’s another personal one from his 7th album. For some reason, most of his originals are all from his 7th album. It must be a good one because the songs aren’t too bad. The next one We Are Gonna Be Okay is the title track of his latest album, which he wrote with Jaret Reddick of Bowling for Soup.
To follow up they play an American Pie lyrical version of Bowling for Soup’s 1985 which is called 1999. Story goes that they planned to play this song at the Texas screening of American Pie, but both Thomas and Jaret were so drunk they completely fucked it up. I’ll have to listen to the recorded version of this because from the lyrics I caught it’s a bit of a pisser.
To finish the set the band rocks out The Middle by Jimmy Eats World. The song ends with an acapella sing along from the crowd. Due to the crowd participation, and as a show of respect to the elderly crowd, the band plays a couple of encores, including Harvey Danger‘s Flagpole Sitta and James’s Laid.
In case you were wondering why all the covers? Well, they are all from the American Pie soundtracks. The rest of the tracks were all from Thomas’s 7 or so albums, which I might just have to have a listen to now. And you should do too, because he’s actually a damn good musician and one hell of a nice bloke.
